SAT Analogies
SAT Analogies is a recurring sketch on Late Night. Appearances March 20, 1996 *Hair: Dennis Rodman:: skin: Michael Jackson *Hands: gloves:: horse trainers: Princess Diana *Cleanliness: godliness:: Bob Dole: death *Kryptonite: Superman:: food: Kate Moss *Cars: air bags:: Pamela Lee: air bags *Jodie Foster: John Hinckley:: Conan O'Brien: that guy (a random audience member is shown) *Peach fuzz: a peach:: mold: a mafia snitch left in the trunk of a car on a hot summer's day in Miami *Addict: cocaine:: Abe Vigoda: Yahtzee *Einstein: theory of relativity:: Michael Bolton: theory of suckability September 11, 1996 *Zaire: Ebola virus:: America: John Tesh *Home run: Dallas Cowboys:: touchdown: New York Jets *16 year old: McDonald's:: 8 year old: Kathy Lee Gifford *First stone tools: Cro-Magnon man:: domestication of cattle: Bob Dole *Pamela Lee: breasts:: Rush Limbaugh: breasts *Lion: zebra:: Max Weinberg: mosquito larvae *Sunrise: "Milk them cows!":: 10 minutes ago: "Write these jokes!" *Cat: scratching post:: Al Roker: Ed Koch January 29, 1997 *Being wet: cats:: Thanksgiving: Kate Moss *Mason jar: lid:: Sam Donaldson: freaky toupee *Oil: water:: wearing a Cheesehead: an active sex life *Einstein: "E = MC squared":: Keanu Reeves: "Fire hot." *Fuse: explosion:: Taco Bell's Burrito Supreme: explosion *Bill Clinton: address at inaugural:: Mike Dukakis: address unknown *Jerry McGuire: "Show me the money!":: Tonight's disappointed studio audience: "Show me the funny!" *Seeing a good doctor regularly: having a long life:: seeing Max's unlicensed Mexican "doctor": having a long penis *Tiger Woods: golf:: Carl "Oldy" Olson: Hungry Hungry Hippos *Teenagers: hacky sack:: Dennis Rodman: camera man's sack September 10, 1997 *Muhammad Ali: Cassius Clay:: Max Weinberg: Shecky Feinblatt 1998 *''Party Of Five'': Neve Campbell:: Party Of One: George Michael *The Middle Ages: being stretched on the rack:: the present: hearing Celine Dion's Titanic song *Shea Stadium: "Let's go, Mets!":: Yankee Stadium: "Son of a bitch, there's a steel beam in my skull!" *Matt Damon: "acting first, writing second":: Keanu Reeves: "socks first, shoes second" *Oprah Winfrey: "My next guest has a Pulitzer prize.":: Jerry Springer: "My next guess has two black eyes." *Magellan: killed at sea:: Dr. Kevorkian: killed Aunt Bee *Jerry Seinfeld: the way he's going off the air is a well-guarded secret:: Conan O'Brien: the way he's staying on the air is a well-guarded secret *Bill Clinton, 1992: "I feel your pain.":: Bill Clinton, 1998: "I feel a burning sensation when I urinate." *Tommy Lee in video: boat sex with Pam:: Tommy Lee in prison: butt sex with Stan March 1999 *Elia Kazan: named names at McCarthy hearing:: Conan O'Brien: named names at Star Trek trivia contest September 29, 1999 *Clark Kent: Superman:: John Tesh: Bigfoot *Backstreet Boys, 1999: "I want it that way.":: Backstreet Boys, 2001: "Produce is that way." *Genie: bottle:: Ricky Martin: closet *Child of a typical father: "Daddy spends too much time at work": child of Michael Jackson: "Daddy spends too much time rolling naked in the bones of the Elephant Man." *Spring skiing in Colorado: highs in the 70's with tons of snow: George W. Bush: high in the 70's with tons of blow January 12, 2000 *Band-aid: huge sucking chest wound:: plastic surgery: Linda Tripp *Dominoes Pizza: delivers in less than 30 minutes:: Boris Yeltsin: his liver has less than 30 minutes *January 12, 1999: Hillary's first time on Letterman:: September 9, 1983: Hillary's last time on Bill *Conan O'Brien: tanned:: Ricky Martin: straight February 22, 2000 *Shaquille O'Neal: needs oversized sneakers:: David Crosby: needs oversized beakers *Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.":: George W. Bush: "Who's Franklin Delano Roosevelt?" *''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'': "Yes, that's my final answer.":: Who Wants To Marry A Multimillionaire: "Yes, I'd like to spend my life with a violent weirdo." *Siegfried and Roy: "We play with tigers.":: also Siegfried and Roy: "Oh, and we also play with each other." July 12, 2000 *Ancient sarcophagus: perfectly preserved mummy:: fancy English mansion: Keith Richards *Mike Tyson: threatens to eat children:: Kathie Lee Gifford: eats children *Scientists: "The human genome map will help us wipe out diseases like cancer and diabetes.":: Bill Clinton: "Woohoo! No more clap!" *42 million: opening weekend box office estimate for Scary Movie:: 46 million: US Census estimate of number of Wayans brothers *Lance Armstrong: good bet to win Tour de France:: Luciano Pavarotti: good bet to splitta da pants *Kids: love Harry Potter: Max Weinberg: loves Harry Hamlin *Al Michaels on Monday Night Football: "A perfect catch by Jerry Rice!":: Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football: "Hey, Karl Marx, why not back off your harpsicord and use your antedivulian brainpan to download a box of Ring Dings, cha cha!" *Mortals: can't live forever:: Bob Hope: can't wait to see what ice cream tastes like in the year 4000 *Monica Lewinsky, 2000: uses internet site to push handbags:: Monica Lewinsky, 1997: used fishnet bra to push up funbags April 10, 2001 *Chinese president Jiang Zemin: upset over problem of spy plane:: U.S. president George W. Bush: confused over ending of Spy Kids *Survivor: "Outwit, outplay, outlast.":: XFL: "Outfumble, outbore, outsuck." *Jay Leno: "My next guest is an Oscar Winner.":: Conan O'Brien: "My next guest can eat 15 Oscar Meyer wieners." *Frank Sinatra: Ol' Blue Eyes:: Dick Cheney: Ol' Blue Face *Winston Churchill: "I have nothing to offer but blood, tears, toil, and sweat.":: Michael Bolton: "I have nothing to offer but...let's face it, I have nothing to offer." *Puff Daddy: everyone's entitled to presumption of innocence:: P. Diddy: everyone's entitled to two stupid names *Typical answering machine message: "Please leave your name and phone number.":: Max Weinberg's answering machine message: "Please leave your age and room number." *George Hamilton: "I tan very easily.":: Conan O'Brien: "Shut those drapes, I'm on fire." *President Clinton in Washington: "Let's build a bridge to the 21st century.":: President Clinton in Harlem: "Once you go black, you never go back." *The Masters: Tiger wins with a long putt:: Siegfried and Roy: tiger limps with a sore butt May 15, 2001 *George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie.":: George W. Bush: "I cannot tell time." *Rome: Died out due to economic mismanagement and a decline of military might:: NBC: XFL *Timothy McVeigh: new FBI documents will prove he's not guilty:: Marlon Brando: new bathroom scale will prove he's not fat *The Beatles: "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.":: Eminem: "Do me, bitch." *Anne Robinson: "You are the weakest link; goodbye.":: Dick Cheney: "I shouldn't have had that last sausage link; goodbye." *Tom Hanks walking into Oscars: "Oh my God, it's Tom Hanks!":: Conan O'Brien walking into Oscars: "Oh my God, it's Ralph Malph from Happy Days!" *Rerelease of Apocalypse Now: 50 minutes of additional scenes:: rerelease of Battlefield Earth: 50 minutes of additional suck *Rich executive: paid $20 million to ride Russian spacecraft:: Max Weinberg: paid $20 to ride on Russian hooker *Puff Daddy: "We find him not guilty.":: P. Diddy: "We find him incredibly stupid." *Shaq and Kobe: "Bring on the Spurs.":: Siegfried and Roy: "Bring the spurs, whips, and buttless chaps. June 19, 2001 *Nathan Hale's last words: "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.":: George W. Bush's last words: "This blender's gonna make my bath all bubbly." *Angelina Jolie: Tomb Raider:: Keith Richards: tomb resident *Anne Heche: Was straight, then was gay, now is straight again:: Siegfried and Roy: were gay, then were gayer, now are very, very, very gay, and live with tigers *President Bush: "I'm going to hammer out an agreement with the Russians.":: Jenna Bush: "I'm going to get hammered on Black Russians." July 17, 2001 *Albert Einstein: E = MC squared:: George W. Bush: E = Entertainment Television *Lizzie Grubman: backs into crowd screaming "f**k you, white trash!":: Siegfried and Roy: back into cage screaming "f**k me, white tiger!" *Bob Dylan: "The times, they are a changing.":: Puff Daddy: "My songs, they are a stolen." *The movie Final Fantasy before the release: there are no people in the movie:: the movie Final Fantasy after the release: there are no people in the theater September 4, 2001 *Abraham Lincoln: "Four scores and seven years ago...":: George W. Bush: "When the big hand was on the three..." *Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina: one pitch away from a perfect game:: Frank Gifford: one bitch away from a perfect life *Conan O'Brien: freshens up show with new set:: janitor: freshens up urinal with new cake *Michael Jordan: retirement disappoints basketball fans:: Jess Helms: retirement disappoints Ku Klux Klan *Schoolchild: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.":: Tom Brokaw: "Rwandan refugees ran rapidly over rocky roads." *Winslow Homer: famous for painting oceans and shores:: Christina Aguilera: famous for painting her face like a whore *Totally hot celebrity couple: Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz:: totally disturbing celebrity couple: Conan O'Brien and Pat O'Brien *President Bush: "I want to spend a month in Crawford, Texas.":: President Clinton: "I want to spend a month in Cindy Crawford." *Gary Condit's interview with Connie Chung: "This will save my career.":: Charles Manson's parole hearing: "This will prove I'm Jesus." *Little League pitcher Danny Almonte: "I lied, I'm really 14.":: Max Weinberg: "I lied, she's really 14." October 2, 2001 *Ellen DeGeneres: "I can't wait to do a new sitcom.":: Anne Heche: "I can't wait to returns to the alien mothership." *Neil Armstrong: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.":: Luciano Pavarotti: "Eight glazed hams for me, nine giant cows for me too." *Tecumseh: Shawnee in war paint:: Christina Aguilera: banshee in whore paint *Angry Americans: "Let's send troops to Afghanistan!":: really angry Americans: "Let's send the movie Glitter to Afghanistan!" *Emeril's TV Food Network show: seasoned to perfection:: Emeril's NBC sitcom: season's first rejection *The song American Pie: "This will be that day that I die.":: the movie American Pie: "This will the day that I put my penis through a pastry." *Secretary of State Colin Powell: joining with Russian forces to overthrow Taliban:: Late Night announcer Joel Goddard: joining with Russian vodka to overthrow central nervous system *Humphrey Bogart: "Here's looking at you, kid.":: Michael Jackson: "Here's three thousand bucks, can I look at your kid?" *Children's rhyme: "Catch a tiger by the toe.":: Siegfried and Roy: "That's it, tiger, nice and slow." November 13, 2001 *Placido Domingo: one third of the Three Tenors:: Luciano Pavarotti: one third of the Earth's surface *Michael Jordan. 1991: playing like Magic Johnson:: Michael Jordan, 2001: playing like Lyndon Johnson *Ancient Egypt: the mystery of the Sphinx:: modern day America: the mystery of why Tony Danza keeps getting his own TV show *Liz Hurley: expecting first child:: Michael Jackson: expecting first dibs January 1, 2002 *The Rolling Stones, 1969: "You can't always get what you want.":: The Rolling Stones, 2002: "We can't always chew what we eat." *Man America hates in Iraq: Saddam Hussein:: man America hates in Afghanistan: Geraldo Rivera *George W. Bush: excited about 86% approval rating:: George Bush Sr.: excited that George W. understands percentages *Will Smith: beefed up to play Muhammad Ali:: Lara Flynn: beefed up to play Olive Oyl *Frank Sinatra on Tony Bennett: "He's the best damn singer in the business.":: Siegfried on Roy: "Am I hurting you?" March 5, 2002 *Kenneth Lay in a board meeting: "Oh no, our stock dropped!":: Kenneth Lay in prison: "Oh no, my soap dropped!" *Alicia Keys: cleaned up at the Grammys:: MC Hammer: actually cleaned up at the Grammys *Ted Koppel: may lose show to Letterman:: Conan O'Brien: may lose show to food dehydrator infomercial *Sarah Hughes: unexpected first place:: Greta Van Susteren: unexpected second face *Rosie O'Donell: reveals she's gay:: Rosie Perez: reveals she's Puerto Rican *Winston Churchill: "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the hills, we will never surrender.":: Mike Tyson: "I will bite them on the feet, I will bite them on the ear, I will always be crazy." *Jennifer Lopez's nickname: J-Lo:: Conan O'Brien's nickname: Ol' Soggy Mattress *Amy Fisher: angry about being barred from participating in Fox's Celebrity Boxing:: Mary Jo Buttafuoco: angry about being shot in the head *Sheryl Crow: lost 20 pounds using low-fat diet and aerobics classes:: Christina Aguilera: lost 20 pounds using makeup remover and squeegee *Sex comedy starring Josh Hartnett: 40 Days and 40 Nights:: Sex documentary starring Richard Simmons: 40 Rays and 40 Mikes April 19, 2002 *Pope's concern: stop the killings in the Middle East:: Pope's bigger concern: stop the cravings of some Catholic priests *Ringo Starr stepping out of a limo: "Oh my God, it's Ringo!":: Max Weinberg stepping out of a limo: "Oh my God, he's naked!" *George W. Bush: desperate to drill into the frozen tundra of Alaska:: Bill Clinton: just heard of tundra, wants some *Robert Blake, 1967: In Cold Blood:: Robert Blake, 2002: in deep sh** *Enron executives, 1999: "Our assets will soar!":: Enron executives, 2003: "Our asses are sore." May 2002 *Mike Tyson: famous even though he's a public menace:: Anna Kournikova: famous even though she sucks at tennis *Colin Powell: close to settling the conflict in the Middle East:: Calista Flockhart: close to finishing the TGI Fridays barbecue beef platter *PT Barnum: displayed freaks and oddities for profit:: Liza Minelli: recently published wedding photos *Michael Jackson: borrowed a lot of his moves from James Brown:: a Catholic priest: borrowed a lot of his moves from Michael Jackson *LA police: carefully studying Robert Blake's motives:: Frank Gifford: carefully studying Robert Blake's methods *Spiderman: does whatever a spider can:: Max Weinberg: does whoever he meets on the can June 26, 2002 *12 or fewer: items in supermarket express lane:: 12 or younger: item's in R. Kelly's limo *Al Qaeda forces: regrouping in Pakistan, plotting attacks:: Hall and Oates: regrouping in Hall's van, plotting new album *Arizona: intense burning threatens wildlife:: Max Weinberg: intense burning threatens sex life *Chinese food: full of soy sauce:: Siegfried: full of Roy sauce August 15, 2002 *Dwight D. Eisenhower: fights Nazis with successful invasion:: George W. Bush: fights Saddam with month-long vacation *Nicolas Cage movie: Gone in 60 Seconds:: Nicolas Cage marriage: gone in 60 seconds *Winona Ryder: guards circle her in famous shops:: Mel Gibson: guards family from circles in crops *Elvis Presley, the king of rock and roll:: 25th anniversary of his death:: Michael Jackson, the king of pop: 25th anniversary of first nose job, skin lightening, chin reconstruction, and llama seduction *Max Weinberg: currently touring with the biggest rock and roll act of the summer surrounded by adoring fans and sexy groupies:: Conan O'Brien: currently sitting behind a desk reading SAT analogies *Tiger Woods: eying his 9th major:: R. Kelly: eying his 9th minor September 6, 2002 *Signal to evacuate school building: fire alarm:: signal to evacuate movie theater: now showing Pluto Nash *Justin Guarini, 2002: appearing on Fox's American Idol:: Justin Guarini, 2007: appearing on Fox's Celebrity Boxing *Tony Soprano: made man:: Cher: man-made *Crazy: stalking Serena Williams:: lazy: stalking Ted Williams *Boston archdiocese sex abuse settlement: 10 million dollars:: Michael Jackson: didn't realize there were discount rates in Boston *Pinata: a candy-filled treat for children:: Anna Nicole Smith: a Quaalude-filled treat for America *Big Mac without the cheese: 20% less fat:: N*Sync without Justin Timberlake: 80% less gay October 9, 2002 *NutraSweet: sugar substitute:: N*Sync: talent substitute *L.A. dockworkers: ordered back to work by President Bush:: MC Hammer: ordered back to work by 16 year old Denny's assistant manager *Elvis Presley: Jailhouse Rock:: Martha Stewart: jailhouse wok *Hannibal Lecter: punished for eating men:: Daryl Hall: still unpunished for singing Maneater *Last day of October: when children apply frightening makeup:: every day of the year: when Christina Aguilera applies frightening makeup *Quiet Riot: Cum On Feel The Noize:: Siegfried and Roy: "Cum on, feel the Royz" December 12, 2002 *Lifespan of a tortoise: 150 years:: lifespan of a housefly: Ben and J-Lo's marriage *Rock groupie: "I'm with the band.":: Trent Lott groupie: "I'm with the Klan." *Orson Welles: Directed and starred in MacBeth:: Anna Nicole Smith: ordered and devoured McRib *Bruce Springsteen: 4-hour concerts while the crowd has a blast:: Axl Rose: 4-hour riot while he sits on his ass *Achilles' heel: only vulnerable part on mythological Greek:: Michael Jackson's nose: only natural part on pathological freak *Nobody rides: possible New York transit strike:: everybody rides: Christina Aguilera February 4, 2003 *''Daredevil'': name of Affleck's upcoming movie:: The Flash: the length of Affleck's upcoming marriage *Colin Powell: main goal is to convince U.N. quickly:: George W. Bush: main goal is to spell U.N. correctly *Tiger Woods rumor: he sleeps with his favorite putter:: David Gest rumor: he sleeps with his favorite driver *Michael Jackson, 1982: spends hours recording "Billie Jean":: Michael Jackson, 2003: spends hours sniffing Billy's jeans *Explores the mind of Virginia Wolf: The Hours: explores the mind of Anna Nicole Smith: the millisecond *Groundhog: pops out of hole to see his shadow:: Siegfried: pops out of Roy to answer the phone February 26, 2003 *Saddam Hussain: "We have no chemical weapons.":: Melissa Rivers: "I'm a celebrity." *Ben Affleck: in #1 movie for impressive three weeks in a row:: Jennifer Lopez: in #3 engagement for impressive twelve weeks in a row *Norah Jones: sweeps Grammys:: Axl Rose: sweeps Denny's *Britney Spears: seen snorting coke:: Pavarotti: seen snorting cake *Germany: "We see no reason to fight.":: France: "We see no reason to bathe." *Moldy bread: yucky loaf:: Evan Marriott: lucky oath *Bruce Springsteen walking into Grammys: "Bruuuuuuce!":: Max Weinberg walking into Grammys: "Who's that guy with Bruuuuuuce?" *''Daredevil'': blind hunk fights crime:: Late Night: bland host wastes time *Dixie Chicks: went home with four Grammys:: Christina Aguilera: went home with four sailors *Julius Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered.":: Max Weinberg: "I came, I paid, she left." *Technotronic's advice for a great party: "Pump up the jams!":: Michael Jackson's advice for a great party: "Pull off the jammies!" April 11, 2003 *What Centcom is: US Central Command:: what President Bush thinks Centcom is: a website for ordering pennies *Dixie Chicks: music fans burn their records after hearing anti-Bush comments:: N*Sync: music fans burn their records after hearing their records *Not welcome in Iraq: Geraldo:: not welcome in America: Geraldo *Alexander the Great: wept because he had no more worlds to conquer:: Louie Anderson: wept because Denny's discontinued the Moons Over My Hammy special *This year's winter: it seems like it's just never going to end:: Celine Dion's career: this winter isn't so bad after all *Baseball season: just getting underway:: Richard Simmons: just getting under Ray *Reasons not to go to Hong Kong: SARS:: reasons not to sleep with our announcer Joel Goddard: sores *Reporter Chip Reid: embedded with US troops:: Michael Jackson: embedded with Cub Scout troops *Vin Diesel: plays an action hero in his latest movie:: Conan O'Brien: plays an action hero in his Spiderman pajamas *Conan O'Brien's: shampoo: Alberto VO5:: Ted Danson's shampoo: Carpet Fresh *Ted Danson: played supporting role in Saving Private Ryan:: Conan O'Brien: owns director's cut of Shaving Ryan's Privates May 13, 2003 *May 2003: NBC proudly announces 3 new comedies:: October 2003: NBC proudly announces 3 new viewers *''The Lizzie McGuire Movie'': Lizzie visits Rome:: The Lizzie McGuire Pregnancy: Lizzie visits Roman Polanski *General Custer: lost to the Indians at Little Big Horn:: William Bennett: lost to the Indians at Foxwoods Casino *Rebecca Romjin-Stamos appearing in X-Men: Mystique:: Rebecca Romjin-Stamos appearing on Late Night With Conan O'Brien: mistake *Saddam Hussein: horrible dictator:: Celine Dion: never killed anyone, but somehow worse than Saddam Hussein *Hank Greenberg: hit a lot of homers in the 40's:: Max Weinberg: humps a lot of hookers in their 40's *12 guys who have to hide their faces: Mr. Personality:: 25 guys who have to hide their faces: the New York Mets *Beethoven 9th: Ode To Joy:: Siegfried's fantasy: "Oh! Two Roys!" June 10, 2003 *Martha Stewart: indicted by a grand jury:: Catherine Zeta-Jones: impregnated by a grand daddy *24 clowns in a car: the circus:: 25 clowns in a bus: the Mets *''Hairspray'': takes home eights Tonys:: Richard Simmons: takes home four Tonys, two Steves, and a Mitch *Roger Clemens: still a win short of 300:: J-Lo: still a husband short of 300 *Bob Hope: 100-year-old comedy legend:: Conan O'Brien: 100-year-old comedy material *Hillary's memoirs: "I was shocked when Bill told me the truth.":: Bill's memoirs: "I was shocked when Hillary was shocked when I told her the truth." *New racing movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious:: new Olsen twins movie: 2 Old 4 R. Kelly *Serena Williams: easily defeats sister Venus:: Roy:: easily describes Siegfried's penis July 8, 2003 *President Jimmy Carter in Africa: "I want to meet Nelson Mandela.":: President George W. Bush in Africa: "I want to meet Babar." *Saddam Hussein: has a bounty on his head:: Sam Donaldson: has a bunny on his head *Arnold in Terminator 2: "I'll be back.":: Arnold in Terminator 3: "Ow! My back." *2003: Supreme Court votes that gay sex "cannot be banned":: 2004: Supreme Court votes that gay sex "cannot be beat" *Beyoncé Knowles: her new album is number one:: Justin Guarini: all his albums are number two *Gin and lemon juice: a "Tommy Collins":: whiskey and Seconal: a "Joel Goddard" *President Bush: has already raised 20 million dollars for his reelection campaign:: Democratic hopeful Dick Gephardt: has already maxed out his Discover card *Superman's catchphrase: "Up, up, and away!":: Hulk's catchphrase: "Hulk look like poor man's Shrek." *Britney Spears: lost virginity to Justin Timberlake:: N*Sync: lost virginity to Justin Timberlake August 12, 2003 *New York Mets, 1973: "You gotta believe!":: New York Mets, 2003: "You gotta be kidding." *Insecticide: keeps backyard free of bugs:: Gigli: keeps movie theater free of people *Gary Coleman: praying he'll be elected California governor:: Todd Bridges: praying he'll be pardoned by governor Coleman *Seabiscuit: ridden by a 100-pound man:: Catherine Zeta-Jones: ridden by a 100 year old man *Episcopal church: picks first gay bishop:: Catholic church: picks first straight bishop *President Bush: "Bring it on!":: President Clinton: "Bring your sister." *Arnold Schwarzenegger: responsible for Rise Of The Machines:: Siegfried: responsible for rise in Roy's jeans *Jay Leno: gets a makeover from the stars of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy:: Mike Wallace: gets a makeover from the stars of Antique Roadshow *Mike Tyson: blew 300 million:: Richard Simmons: blew 300 mailmen September 25, 2003 *New York Yankees: gearing up for postseason:: New York Mets: gearing up to watch Yankees postseason *Thor: makes thunder with mighty hammer:: Pauly Shore: makes French fries with MC Hammer *Stop, drop, and roll: what to do if you're on fire:: Roll, smoke, and giggle: what to do if you're in the Max Weinberg 7 *Marsupials: youngsters squirming in pouch:: Michael Jackson: youngsters squirming on couch *Oprah: on every cover of O'' magazine:: Geraldo Rivera: o nevery cover of ''Oh, What a Jackass magazine *Britney and Madonna: shared a lewd, famed kiss on stage:: Siegfried and Roy: shared a dude named Chris backstage October 28, 2003 *New York Yankees fan: "Don't worry, we'll get 'em next year!":: New York Mets fan: "Don't worry, the Yankees will get 'em next year!" *David Blaine: went 44 days without eating:: the general public: went 44 days without caring *Napoleon complex: compensating for short stature by grasping at power:: Clay Aiken complex: compensating for gay-vibe by naming your album "Measure Of A Man" *Boston's Red Sox: Curse of the Bambino:: Boston' Conan O'Brien: Curse of the Albino *Southern California: burning out of control: Christina Aguilera:: burning containing to one centralized area *This Halloween weekend: little girl dressed as a princess:: every other weekend: Max Weinberg dressed as a princess *Rush Limbaugh, 1995: "We have laws selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs...and so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be set up.:: Rush Limbaugh, 2003: "Dude, listen...I think my shoes are singing." *Nomar Garciaparra: "I love Mia Hamm.":: Luciano Pavarotti: "I-a love-a me-a ham." *Couldn't quite get 27th ring: New York Yankees:: couldn't quite get 28th ring: J-Lo *Gallagher: bashes fruit:: Liza Minnelli: bashes fruit December 10, 2003 *Howard Dean, yesterday: gained a percentile:: Joe Lieberman, yesterday: betrayed by a gentile *New show with Meryl Streep and Al Pacino: Angels In America:: new show with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie: Skanks In Arkansas *Ruben Studdard: waiting for album to drop:: Clay Aiken: waiting for testes to drop *Ozzy Osbourne: nearly killed himself operating an all-terrain vehicle:: Jessica Simpson: nearly killed herself operating a shoe *Tiger Woods: stands up to tee:: Conan O'Brien: sits down to pee *Bullish: optimistic about the stock market:: bearish: James Gandolfini in a steam room *Nat King Cole's Christmas Song: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire":: NBC's Christmas Fear Factor: Goat nuts rolling in a white trash mouth *President Bush: got drugs for seniors:: Rush Limbaugh: bought drugs from sophomores *Ruben Studdard's left brain: "I hope my latest album goes platinum.":: Ruben Studdard's right brain: "I could swallow a pig if you sanded its hooves." *Popular toy: Tickle Me Elmo:: unpopular toy: Fondle Me Jacko February 4, 2004 *Martha Stewart: sold ImClone after tip off:: Jacket Jackson: showed nipple after kick-off *Howard Dean: listing all the states:: George W. Bush: learning all the states *John Kerry: "I represent the American middle class.":: Dennis Kucinich: "I represent the Lollipop Guild." *Tina Turner: great legs for a woman in her 60's:: Conan O'Brien: great legs for a woman in her 60's *Beyoncé: did the national anthem:: Christina Aguilera: did the National Football League *Democrats in 2004: "Where are the WMDs?":: Reuben Studdard in 2004: "Where are the BLTs?" *Bruce Springsteen: Born To Run:: Max Weinberg: born to run and get coffee for Bruce Springsteen *Justin Timberlake, 2004: grabbed Janet Jackson and exposed her breast:: Justin Timberlake, 2008: the governor of California March 9, 2004 *John F. Kerry: "I have the same initials as John F. Kennedy.":: George W. Bush: "I have the same initials as the George Washington Bridge." *Jesus, 1st century A.D.: reigns over Israelites:: Jesus, 21st century A.D.: reigns over Starsky and Hutch *Fiery beast who lives on Monster Island: Mothra:: Fiery beast who lives on Rikers Island: Martha *John Kerry's thought on the Democratic convention: hopes to be nominated:: Al Sharpton's thoughts on the Democratic convention: hopes that it's catered *Carmen Electra and David Navarro: "'Til death do us part.":: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey: "'Til smart do us be." *John Edwards: lost big on Super Tuesday:: Sam Donaldson: lost wig on windy Wednesday *President Bush: plans on spending $15 billion on Mars expeditions:: Reuben Studdard: plans on spending $15 billion on Mars candy bars *Paris, France: crammed with lovers in every nook and cranny:: Paris Hilton: aspiring actress *Veterinarian: "Dog bites can cause rabies.":: Mel Gibson's dad: "Dog bites are caused by rabbis." *John Kerry, 1970: received a Purple Heart while serving in the Me Kong Delta:: George W. Bush, 1970: received a purple nurple while partying with Delta Kappa Delta *Adam Sandler project: 50 First Dates:: Michael Jackson project: 50 first graders April 15, 2004 *John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.":: George W. Bush: "Ask not what country you for and can do, but not can do country for, um, you." *Q-Tip: "It gets the wax out of your ears.":: Listening to Celine Dion: "I wish I didn't use that damn Q-Tip." *Michael Jordan: Air Jordan:: Donald Trump: hair Hiroshima *Jessica Simpson: dumb as a box of rocks:: a box of rocks: "Whoa, dude, I resent that." *''American Idol'': pre-empted by presidential speech:: Late Night With Conan O'Brien: pre-empted by Herbalife infomercial *Quentin Tarantino: Kill Bill:: Hillary Clinton: "Seriously, kill Bill." *French Open tennis tournament: balls flying all around Paris:: partying with Hilton sister: see "French Open" *''Passion Of The Christ'': powerful movie:: Scooby-Doo 2: rowerful roovie *Rowdy frat boy: "There's a party in my pants.":: Reuben Studdard: "There's a planet in my pants." May 19, 2004 *George Washington: "I can not tell a lie.":: George W. Bush: "I can not tie my shoe." *Spend last month saying goodbye to Friends: NBC:: Will spend next month saying goodbye to friends: Martha Stewart *Gwyneth Paltrow: Named her baby "Apple":: Ruben Studdard: Tried to eat Gwyneth Paltrow's baby *1994: "Billy Joel is at the Garden!":: 2004: "Billy Joel is in our garden!" *Randy Johnson: "The Big Unit":: Conan O'Brien: "The Big Eunuch" *Desperately trying to get fifteenth ring: L.A. Lakers:: Desperately trying to get sixteenth ring: J-Lo *Clay: An object that is often used by men who then squeeze it, and then play with it in their hands until it gets hard:: Clay Aiken: talented singer *Julie Andrews: Climb Every Mountain:: Courtney Love: barf in every fountain *Michael Moore's new film: highlights the link between the Bush family and the Bin Ladens:: Michael Moore's new pants: hightlights the link between Michael Moore and Quizno's subs *Makes a god-awful noise, then disappears for 17 years: cicadas:: Makes a god-awful noise, then disappears forever: Hootie and the Blowfish *Economist: "What goes up must come down.":: Paris Hilton: "I must go down on what comes up." July 14, 2004 *John Kerry: spent war fighting Vietcong:: George W. Bush: spend war lighting neon bong *Fantasia Barrino: excited about new CD:: Reuben Studdard: excited about new KFC *Maria Sharapova: won in straight sets:: Martina Narvatilova: runs from straight sex *Former California governor Ronald Reagan: "Win one for the Gipper.":: current California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Squeeze one for the Groper." *John Edwards: "ambulance chaser":: Dick Cheney: "ambulance rider" *Alex Rodriguez's nickname in high school: "A-Rod":: Conan O'Brien's nickname in high school: "Gay-Wad" *Washington Irving character: Rip Van Winkle:: John Kerry nickname: Face Van Wrinkle *Las Vegas Hilton: can accommodate 5,000 visiting conventioneers in one weekend:: Paris Hilton: can accommodate 5,001 visiting conventioneers in one weekend *''Fahrenheit 9/11'': examines the relationship between George Bush and influential Saudis:: Fahrenheit 7/11: examines the relationship between Michael Moore and microwaveable burritos *Michael Jackson, 2004: surrounded by legal team:: Michael Jackson, 2003: surrounded by kickball team *''Spider-Man 2'': made #1 in theaters:: Courtney Love: made #2 in a dumpster August 10, 2004 *Senator John McCain: proudly speaks his own mind:: President Bush: proudly spells his own name *Upcoming Spider-Man 2 DVD: never-before-seen footage:: upcoming Catwoman DVD: never-before-seen movie *Former Miami Dolphin Ricky Williams: tested positive for marijuana:: marijuana: tested positive for Snoop Dogg *Phrase that starts the Olympics: "Let the games begin!":: phrase that starts the Tony Awards: "Let the gays begin!" *New documentary about Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster:: new documentary about Axl Rose: Some Kind Of Bus Boy *Lindsay Lohan: "I'm 18, I just want to have fun.":: Max Weinberg: "I'm 53, I just want to have Lindsay Lohan." *Ben Franklin: "A penny saved is a penny earned.":: Aretha Franklin: "A pie baked is a pie eaten." *Paris, France: offered no resistance to the German Panzers:: Paris Hilton: offered no resistance to the Carolina Panthers *John Kerry: saved a buddy's life in Vietnam:: Bill Clinton: did a buddy's wife and then his mom September 22, 2004 *Typical bride and groom: "Til death do us part":: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: "Til we run out of Pabst and Slim Jims" *Floridians: praying for the end of hurricane season:: New Yorkers: praying for the end of Mets season *Sign on President Harry Truman's desk: "The buck stops here":: sign on President George W. Bush's desk: "Desk" *Martha Stewart, 2003: Cornish hens and fresh flowers:: Martha Stewart, 2004: making friends in the group shower *Director of Star Wars: created imaginary universe:: fans of Star Wars: create imaginary girlfriends *Delta Airlines: will fold before the end of September:: Boston Red Sox: Conan's from Boston, he's not reading this one *''Angels of America'': took home 11 Emmys on Sunday:: Ruben Studdard: took home 11 sundaes on Sunday *Bill Clinton: "It's the economy, stupid":: John Kerry: "The subject for general debate remains the fiduciary state of our nation's individuals, corporations, and limited liability partnerships in conjunction with the fluctuation of interest rates, both variable and fixed, all of which be filtered through the prism of long-term projections vis-à-vis the rate of employment and gross national product." *New series about major airport: LAX:: new series about a drummer masturbating in an airport men's room: MAX *George W. Bush, 2001: "We'll hunt Osama down like a dog.":: George W. Bush, 2004: "Check it out, we got Cat Stevens!" *Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty or give me death.":: Paris Hilton: "Give me length or give me girth." October 19, 2004 *John Kerry and Mississippi: there's no way he can win it:: George W. Bush and Mississippi: there's no way he can spell it *Title of new J-Lo movie: Shall We Dance?:: reaction to new J-Lo movie: "Can we leave?" *Boston Red Sox: plagued by the Curse Of The Bambino:: New York Mets: no curse, they just suck *George Bush: runs his campaign from the White House:: Ralph Nader: runs his campaign from a White Castle *Bruce Springsteen: ends every concert with several encores:: Reuben Studdard: ends every dinner with several entrees *Martha Stewart: recently started a book about prison life:: Bobby Brown: recently finished volume 28 *George W. Bush: "My tax cuts will stimulate the economy.":: John Kerry: "To stimulate the economy, we need sensible and long-overdue tax reform. And, by the way, Cheney's daughter is gay." *Derek Jeter: best glove in the majors:: Michael Jackson: best glove in the minors December 2, 2004 *Poet John Keats: "Beauty is truth and truth beauty.":: President George W. Bush: "God spelled backwards is dog. Ain't that somethin'?" *Star Jones at wedding: blushing bride:: Star Jones on honeymoon: crushing bride *Paris Hilton's perfume: available for $29.95:: Paris Hilton: available for $19.95 *ABC: Desperate Housewives:: NBC: desperate *Dick Cheney: "Never made my daughter's lesbianism an issue.":: Bill Clinton: "Never take my Hustler lesbian issue." *''The Tonight Show With Jay Leno'': broadcast in HDTV:: Late Night With Conan O'Brien: broadcast in Albino-vision *Clay Aiken, 2004: just dropped his second CD:: Clay Aiken, 2005: just dropped his second testicle *Prostitute in a West Virginia coal town: has sex with hundreds of miners:: Michael Jackson: did his best work in the 80's *P. Diddy's Christmas party: "Who wants eggnog?":: Elton John's Christmas party: "I hope that's eggnog." *''The Wizard Of Oz'': "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!":: Reuben Studdard: "Lions and tigers and bears, on rye!" January 18, 2005 *Prince Harry: impersonated a Nazi soldier:: Ashlee Simpson: impersonated a professional singer *President Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!":: President Bush: "Mr. Oatmeal, get in my tummy!" *''The Aviator'': won the Golden Globe for best drama:: Sideways: how Reuben Studdard gets through doors *Necklaces: hang gracefully from the neck, commonly displaying a jewel:: chokers: the New York Jets *Brad on the phone to Jen: "I need some breathing room.":: Brad on the phone to Richard Simmons: "Who's there? I can hear you breathing." *Jack Daniels: preserved in oak barrels:: Keith Richards: preserved in Jack Daniels *Annoying term used in emails: "LOL":: annoying term used in movies: "Starring Ben Affleck" *Michael Jackson, 2005: surveying jury pool:: Michael Jackson, 2004: surveying kiddie pool *Question from George Clooney after sex: "Was it good for you?":: Question from Paris Hilton after sex: "Do you need your parking validated?" April 5, 2005 *Ashton Kutcher remake of Guess Who's Coming To Dinner: Guess Who:: Ashton Kutcher remake of A Raisin In The Sun: Dude, Where's My Raisin? *Willie Mays: the Say Hey Kid:: Barry Bonds: the say, kid, do you know where I can get some good 'roids? *Sammy Sosa: played with Cubs:: Michael Jackson: played with Cub Scouts *Britney Spears: can't decide between national or international tour:: Kevin Federline: can't decide between getting high on the couch or in the tub *Extremely sexy Irishman: Colin Farrell:: extremely sexy late night talk show host: Colin Farrell if he had a late night talk show *Romeo and Juliet: love at first sight:: Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez: love after Jen broke off her engagement with Ben Affleck and divorced Chris Judd who'd been there after P. Diddy who she dated after divorcing model Ojani Noa, and five days after Marc got a judge in the Dominican Republic to sign off on his divorce from former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres who he dated after model Kim Vilanueva who is three women removed from the mother of his daughter Arianna, Debbie Rosado *Jacques Chirac at the Vatican: "The Pope was a pilgrim for peace and reconciliation.":: Bush at the Vatican: "Gosh, just look at how many of us loved Frank Perdue." *Rosario Dawson: star of popular new movie Sin City:: Star Jones: star of unpopular new movie Chin City *Goldilocks: wakes up in a bed surrounded by bears:: Paris Hilton: wakes up in a bed surrounded by Bears, Steelers, and Patriots May 4, 2005 *Donald Rumsfeld: just learned of new counter-insurgency measures:: George W. Bush: just learned that Clark Kent is Superman *''Star Wars: Episode III'': the last to get made:: Star Wars: Episode 3 fans: the last to get laid *Matt LeBlanc: "If my show gets cancelled, it's back to the drawing board.":: Kirstie Alley: "If my show gets cancelled, it's back to the smorgasbord." *Mos Def: stars in Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy:: MC Hammer: lives in a 1963 Ford Galaxy *Mary Poppins: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious:: Paris Hilton: super virus caused by sex with loads of dudes on couches *Miles Davis jazz album: Kind Of Blue:: Kenny G jazz album: kind of blows *The collective dumbing down of America: sad but inescapable:: Pamela Anderson: BOOBIES! *Rosie O'Donnell: portrayed a retarded woman in a TV movie:: Anna Nicole Smith: portrayed a retarded woman on The Anna Nicole Smith Show *Simon Cowell: votes contestants off:: Paula Abdul: gets contestants off July 20, 2005 *''Batman Begins'' star Christian Bale: starred in American Psycho:: Batman Begins star Katie Holmes: engaged to an American psycho *Australian prime minister meeting George Bush: "I look forward to strengthening ties between our two great nations.":: George Bush meeting Australian prime minister: "How come y'all don't fall off the bottom of the world?" *Tiger Woods: has won ten majors:: Michael Jackson: has done ten minors *NBC News: very concerned about safety of their reporters in Baghdad:: Fox News: "We're sending Geraldo." *Human Torch: teams up with Invisible Woman:: Max Weinberg: teams up with inflatable woman *Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: "Bradgelina":: Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston: "Screwy McLawbreak and his walking pharmacy wife" *Jude Law, 2003: Cold Mountain:: Jude Law, 2005: nanny mountin' *Rolling Stones, 1969: "You can't always get what you want.":: Rolling Stones, 2005: "We can't always chew what we eat." *Kobayashi: can eat 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes:: Kirstie Alley: can eat 50 Kobayashis in 5 minutes *Charlie Bucket: got golden ticket in Wonka bar:: Paris Hilton: got herpes in biker bar August 17, 2005 *John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.":: George W. Bush "I could eat me a whole big thing of potato salad." *August 6, 1945: US detonates atomic bomb:: August 6, 2005: opening of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo *P. Diddy: trying hard to find new nickname:: general public: trying hard to give a crap *Andrew Jackson: on the $20 bill:: Michael Jackson: on the 10-year-old Billy *Thousand of Jews forced to move: the Gaza pullout:: thousands of gentiles forced to move: square dancing *The Marine Corps' motto: "Leave no man behind.":: Kirstie Alley's motto: "Leave no ham behind." *Group sex with Colin Farrell: three stewardesses:: group sex with Conan O'Brien: three-sided mirror *Old Faithful: emits a plume of hot smoke every 76 minutes:: Snoop Dogg: do we really have to spell this out for you? *Last-minute play in football: the "Hail Mary" pass:: last-minute play at Richard Simmons party: the "nail Gary" pass *Prince Charles: wakes up each morning in a stone castle:: Courtney Love: wakes up each morning behind a White Castle *MC Hammer, 1991: U Can't Touch This:: MC Hammer, 2005: "Okay, you can touch it for 20 bucks." September 15, 2005 *''Teen Wolf'': Michael J. Fox:: Preteen Wolf: Michael Jackson *CBS: #1 network with three of the top five shows:: NBC: #1 network with three of the five letters that you use to spell "bacon" *Shaquille O'Neal: puts an average of 25 points on the board:: Snoop Dogg: keeps an average of 25 joints in his Ford *Disney World in Orlando: you get to meet Goofy:: Disney World in Hong Kong: you get to eat Goofy *''Everyone Hates Conan'': new sitcom:: Everyone Hates Conan: new documentary *John Roberts: "I want to serve on the supreme court.":: Kirstie Alley: "I want to be served a Taco Supreme from the food court." *Red Sox: famous for coming from behind:: Richard Simmons: helps a lot of people lose weight *Extra pay: overtime:: no pay: Hammer Time *When in Rome: do as the Romans do:: when in Paris: be quick and give the next guy his chance June 25, 2006 (unfinished) *Abe Lincoln/George W. Bush *Britney Spears, 2000: "Hit me baby, one more time.":: Britney Spears, 2006: "Dropped my baby one more time." *Roger Ebert: loves Prairie Home Companion:: Michael Jackson: loves barely grown companion *Kenneth Lay/Donald Trump *Meredith Viera/Star Jones *Regular Omen viewer/Dick Cheney watching Omen *Mandy Moore/Nicole Richie *Muhammad Ali/Mike Tyson *Seven Dwarves: Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy:: US men's soccer team: trippy, pokey, sucky *Tiger Woods: dreams of hole in one:: Clay Aiken: dreams of hole in Juan August 1, 2006 *Iran: still trying to process uranium:: George W. Bush: still trying to process yesterday's SpongeBob *Katie Couric: might make a good news anchor:: Star Jones: might make a good ship's anchor *Lebanese government: embarrassed by extremist views of Hezbollah:: Hezbollah: embarrassed by extremist views of Mel Gibson *Lance Bass, 2002: N*Sync:: Lance Bass, 2006: N*Stan *LOL: internet shortcut for "laughing out loud":: MWINOMDA: internet shortcut for "Max Weinberg is naked on my doorstep again" *Lindsay Lohan: in hot water with movie studio:: Justin Guarini: in studio apartment without hot water *Lance Armstrong: "Lance" conveniently rhymes with "France":: Floyd Landis: "Floyd" conveniently rhymes with "roid" *Fidel Castro: passed on power to brother:: Luke Wilson: passed on You, Me, and Dupree script to brother *Big Dig: giant hole big enough to drive a car through:: Paris Hilton: versatile actress/singer August 30, 2006 *Pluto: no longer a planet:: Tom Cruise: no longer a star *Howie Mandell: Deal Or No Deal:: Nicole Richie: No meal or no meal *Jeff Probst of Survivor: "May the best race win.":: Mel Gibson: "Go, Germans, go!" *Tom Delay in congress: must protect Bush:: Tom Delay in prison: must protect tush *Disclaimer at beginning of Snakes On A Plane: "no animals were harmed":: disclaimer at end of Snakes On A Plane: "no humans were entertained" *Lowest in 31 years: SAT test scores:: lowest in 91 years: Larry King's testicles *Katie Couric: dropped 20 pounds thanks to Photoshop:: Star Jones: gained 20 pounds thanks to slow-moving buffalo *CNN reporter: leaves mic on in bathrooms:: Clay Aiken: gets Mike off in bathrooms April 2, 2007 *Solid, liquid, gas: states of matter:: drunk, stoned, passed out: states of Paula Adbul *Rudy Giuliani: projects image of competence aided by strong record as New York's mayor:: George W. Bush: projects image of a bunny aided by two fingers and a flashlight *Bill O'Reilly on Rosie O'Donnell: "She should be fired from The View.":: Rosie O'Donnell on Bill O'Reilly: worst porno ever *Successful McDonald's slogan: "I'm lovin' it":: Unsuccessful McDonald's slogan: "Why is my nine year old obese?" *Hillary Clinton: cleaned up in the fundraising department:: Bill Clinton: cleaned up after fun in Daisy's apartment *Coca-Cola: known by millions as Coke:: Sanjaya: known by millions as joke *Quentin Tarantino: directed half of Grindhouse:: Kirstie Alley: devoured half of steakhouse *Bono: knighted by Queen:: Clay Aiken: queen by night *Leeza Gibons: dances with two left feet:: Heather Mills: keeps two extra left feet in the trunk of her car *Acupuncture: getting pricked again and again and again in every part of your body:: Paris Hilton: hotel heiress May 15, 2007 *Abraham Lincoln: "A house divided can not stand.":: George W. Bush: "A Weeble wobbling shall not fall down." *Hillary Clinton: may switch tactics to avoid getting beaten by Obama:: Bill Clinton: may switch hotels to avoid getting beaten by Hillary *Arnold Schwarzenegger's speech on paper: "Excessive taxation weakens the economy.":: Arnold Schwarzenegger's speech when he says it: "Eggs and Dalmatians awaken Sean Connery." *1638 in France: Parisians celebrate the birth of the sun:: 1648 in America: colonials celebrate the birth of Larry King *David Hasselhoff, 2006: "Don't hassle the Hoff.":: David Hasselhoff, 2007: "Don't hassle Daddy while he's drunkenly eating a burger off the floor." *NBC, 1980: "Proud as a peacock.":: NBC, 2007: "Women and children first!" *31 year old Tiger Woods: Might have the best stroke out there:: 45 year old Roger Clemens: might have a stroke out there *NBC anchor Brian Williams: made unexpected appearance on Saturday Night Live:: NBC drummer Max Weinberg: made unexpected appearance on Dateline: To Catch A Predator *Burrito: traditional Mexican cuisine featuring local meats, cheeses, spices, and vegetables:: Taco Bell Burrito Supreme: a half-pound diarrhea bullet *The Little Dutch Boy in tale: forced by circumstance to stick finger in dyke:: Paris Hilton in jail: see "The Little Dutch Boy" June 4, 2007 *Jordin Sparkes: "I grew up on American Idol.":: Paula Abdul: "I threw up on American Idol." *Republican candidates: eagerly awaiting tomorrow's debate:: President Bush: eagerly awaiting Transformers movie *Babe Ruth: Bambino:: Alex Rodriguez: bangs bimbo *Ghost ship that can never go home: The Flying Dutchman:: TB carrier that tried to go home: The Flying Douchebag *Wolverine and Cyclops: X-Men:: Max Weinberg's midnight escorts: ex-men *Lindsay Lohan, 2005: "I'm a box office smash.":: Lindsay Lohan, 2007: "I smashed into a box office." *Joey Chestnut: new world record holder for hot dog eating:: Clay Aiken: new world record holder for calls and emails to Joey Chestnut *Final episode of The Sopranos: lots of guys get aggressively whacked, resulting in a messy loss of bodily fluids:: Paris Hilton: popular hotel heiress July 9, 2007 *President George W. Bush last week: shocked many Americans by commuting a sentence:: President George W. Bush this week: shocked many Americans by completing a sentence *Julia Roberts: "40 is the new 30.":: Larry King: "250 is the new 125." *Clay Aiken on Saturday: had a fight on a plane:: Clay Aiken on Sunday: had a Dwight and a Wayne *Nicole Richie: officially pregnant:: Nicole Richie's fetus: officially heavier than Nicole Richie *Drummer Phil Collins: prominently featured on Live Earth:: Drummer Max Weinberg: prominently featured on To Catch A Predator *Katie Couric: publicly slapped a staff member:: George Michael: publicly slapped a stiff member *Rupert Murdoch: makes bid for Wall Street Journal:: MC Hammer: makes bed out of Wall Street Journal *Chef Boyardee ravioli: popular dish that's stuffed with meat and in people's mouth a minute after it's out of the can:: Paris Hilton: glamorous hotel heiress August 10, 2007 *Old home run king: Hammerin' Hank:: New home run king: Butt-stickin' Barry *Abraham Lincoln: wept when he heard news of Gettysburg:: George W. Bush: wept when Steve left Blue's Clues *People who see a typical pregnant woman: "She's glowing!":: People who see a pregnant Nicole Richie: "Who stuffed an avocado inside that cocktail straw?" *Rupert Murdoch: pays $6 billion to buy Wall Street Journal:: Clay Aiken: pays 6 bucks to touch guy at next urinal *Amy Winehouse: "They try to make me go to rehab, I say, 'No, no, no'.":: Lindsay Lohan: "They try to make me go to rehab, I say 'blopple, blurdle, drive smash, vomit, slub slub, zzzzz'." *Rotisserie chicken: cheap and widely available piece of white meat that is turned over and over all night long, after getting jabbed with a stiff rod and continuously basted with salty sauce, and then, after being consumed by three or four people, is discarded as worthless:: Paris Hilton: glamorous hotel heiress October 8, 2007 *President Andrew Johnson: "The Constitution is my guide.":: President George W. Bush: "TV Guide is my Constitution." *Vivian Leigh: A Streetcar Named Desire:: Britney Spears: a kid on a hot car roof *Michael Vick: wanted to cop a plea:: Senator Larry Craig: wanted to pee on a cop *Barack Obama: "The government should serve the will of the people.":: Dennis Kucinich: "The government is after me Lucky Charms!" *Autumn in New England: watching the foliage change color and drop to the ground:: Autumn in Los Angeles: watching Lindsay Lohan change color and drop to the ground *Roger Federer: hopes to stay on top in tennis:: Clay Aiken: hopes to stay on top of Dennis *Leonardo DiCaprio walking into nightclub: "Oh my God, it's Leonardo DiCaprio!":: Conan O'Brien walking into nightclub: "Oh my God, that guy's fat head is blocking Leonardo DiCaprio!" *Barry Goldwater: lost election in '64:: Larry King: last erection in '64 *Pavarotti: now singing in heaven:: Julia Child: now having to prepare a lot more food in heaven *Picasso: initiated modernism with his masterpiece Les Demoiselles De Avignon:: James Lipton: reinvented the talk show with his masterpiece Inside The Actors Studio *Cleveland Browns: pounded by the Pats:: Paris Hilton: pounded by the Pats, Jims, Steves, Daves, Roberts, Allens, Johns... October 29, 2007 *Stephen Colbert: running for president with his tongue in cheek:: George W. Bush: running for president with his head in krunk *Shock for Harry Potter fans last week: Dumbledore is gay:: shock for Harry Potter fans this week: Hagrid is a Jew for Jesus *Isaac Newton: "What goes up must come down.":: Paris Hilton: "What goes up must go in." *Hillary Clinton: "I represent the state of New York.":: Dennis Kucinich: "I represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild." *New York City, 2004: "Welcome, A-Rod!":: New York City, 2007: "So long, A-hole." *Coffee mug of President Bush's desk: "World's best dad":: Coffee mug on Vice President Cheney's desk: "Waterboarding is technically not torture, unless the procedure results in organ failure" *Joe Girardi: may manage the Yankees:: Justin Guarini: may manage a Wendy's *Prime time television: inundated with annoying product placement ads:: Late Night With Conan O'Brien: independent, straightforward, and upright, just like the attorneys of Fugelstein, Mayer, and Jacobs. No claim is too small. October 2, 2008 *Katie Holmes: currently acting on Broadway:: Amy Winehouse: currently speeding up Broadway in stolen ambulance *Bailout bill: returned to the House stuffed with tremendous amount of pork:: Kirstie Alley: are you really going to make us spell it out for you? *Only Supreme Court case Palin can name: Roe v. Wade:: only Supreme Court case Bush can name: Alien vs. Predator November 3, 2008 *Schoolteachers: "Don't run with scissors.":: John McCain: "Don't run with Sarah Palin." *Championship eater Kobayashi: ate 53 hot dogs:: Kirstie Alley: ate Kobayashi Other/Unsorted *Yao Ming: basketball sensation from China:: Bill Clinton: burning sensation from Thailand *George Washington: he founded the nation:: George W. Bush: he founded Waldo *Donald Rumsfeld to reporters: "The Bush administration would never engage in any mistreatment of detainees.":: Donald Rumsfeld to detainees: "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again." *Britney Spears: excited about new baby boy:: Kevin Federline: excited about new Laz-E-Boy *Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: "We're having a baby!":: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: "The insemination procedure successfully generated a viable zygote!" *Terrell Owens, 2005: "What will it take to get me back on the Eagles roster?":: Terrell Owens, 2006: "What will it take to get you out of here in this new Honda?" *Paris Hilton, 2007: getting 45 days in the slammer:: Paris Hilton, 2006: getting 45 slams a day Category:Late Night Sketches